Mari Musings

There are only a few more days until Halloween! I’m feeling pretty excited about it. As I detailed in my last entry, I have been making an effort to celebrate the spooky season as a way of staying in the moment. I’m happy to report that I have followed through with this and that I am doing much better. Still no luck on the job prospects though, but I won’t give up!

I went to the local pumpkin patch with family and picked out a couple of pumpkins. I really like the look of white pumpkins, and I tend to pick those when going with a group. They stand out among the orange ones and they’re so ghostly. I carved them way too early though! Normally, it wouldn’t be too big of a deal to carve a couple of weeks early. Unfortunately, it’s been hot and damp even in my neck of the woods, so pumpkins grew mold almost immediately! Oh well, now I know better for next year.

While I was preparing to carve, I drew on the pumpkin with a marker and poked holes where I wanted to carve. This effect is striking! I almost wanted to leave it like that for a while—and maybe I should have given how fast it grew mold.

Here is how they came out! I was pleased with myself. Sadly, I did not have candles on hand and didn’t acquire any until they were already rotted.

Here is the pumpkin that my partner carved from a pattern. It’s an owl if you can’t tell! I helped him clean up the shapes. I am not a fan of the feathers though lol.

The seeds made for a delicious snack. I tried making them differently than how my mom made them growing up. I washed them like normal but instead of putting them right on the baking sheet, I covered them in oil and seasoned them in a bowl. I added salt, pepper, cumin, and a little bit of chipotle chili seasoning. They were delicious! I had never tried pumpkin seeds with anything except for salt before this.

Anyway, that’s my little Halloween update! I am going to a party today dressed as Chopper from One Piece. It’s been healing to enjoy the season and participate in spooky fun. I’m feeling much better. Happy early Halloween! 🎃

Oh my god, it is already October. What the freak!! I am happy to report that I am feeling a bit better, but it’s been a rough go of it. Luckily, I have been applying for jobs, which makes me hopeful. I have a skills assessment next week, but the job doesn’t start until next year. I’m hoping to find something that starts earlier, but I’m trying not to worry too much.

The distraction of going to work and being on a regular schedule will help get me out of my head. It will be nice to be around people again too. I’m trying not to worry about things like what if I don’t like the job because I can always find another. There are always options!

Meanwhile, I’m trying to get into the Halloween spirit. It’s been a few years since I’ve really celebrated. Halloween is a big deal for my family because we’re pagan! Like many holidays, Halloween is so commercialized, but I’ve been trying to just embrace it as a celebration of Fall before the Christmas craze starts. Still! It’s nice to sit down and watch a Disney Channel Halloween movie once in a while.

I don’t own any Halloween decorations, so I was thinking about making some this year and maybe getting a few lights to put outside. I’ll share pictures of what I make in my next blog post! There are a ton of kids in my new neighborhood, so there will probably be trick-or-treaters this year. The last few places I’ve lived weren’t popular or safe enough for kids to go out, but this neighborhood is a bit nicer. Since COVID, there are fewer people who hand out candy, and I guess that’s reasonable. But it’s no fun for the kids who actually go out! I’ll definitely make sure we have candy to give out.

Anyway, wish me luck with my job prospects!

Current Stats

Mood: Hopeful

Watching: Alien (1979)

Playing: Tears of the Kingdom (2023)

Content Warning: Non-detailed descriptions of animal death

This entry is more personal than I would generally want to share here, but there's something about old school blogs that was so authentic. Part of the reason why I wanted to start a traditional blog was to regain some of that authenticity that is lost on new social media. I really enjoyed reading about people's real lives and how they navigated life's many pitfalls. I share this hoping that whoever may be reading it gains insight into their own life, as bloggers before me gave me insight into my own. Hello, reader!

I recently graduated college with my BA, and I'm the first person in my entire family to do so. It's a big accomplishment, but because of the circumstances of the last couple of months, I don't feel much about it (yet!). This year I have done many things I'm proud of, but I can't feel much about it right now.

My kitty Mitsuki passed away on September first after a sudden onset of illness. She was only about 3, and I am really struggling with her death. I think part of it is that I'm in a transitional period of my life, and I don't really have any distractions or IRL social connections to relieve the pain of it. Before, I would have work or school, but I don't have either of those things right now. I'm doing my best to take care of myself and distract from the grief when I can, but anyone who has experienced loss knows that there's more to healing than that.

With Mitsuki gone, I think that there are three main aspects of it that I'm struggling with. First, I just miss her. She was really the best cat in the world. Maybe I'll make a in memorium page on this site one day where I can talk as much as I want about what a great cat she was.

Second, I'm struggling with the fact that I couldn't have reasonably seen it coming. I took careful care of her, always monitoring her food, water, and bathroom. I took her on leashed backyard adventures and played with her every day to keep her from getting bored. I always took her to the vet on time and got her the best care that I could, even before she was sick. I spent so much time with her and paid close attention to her. I keep thinking about what I could have done differently, and if I'm honest with myself, there's no way I could have seen what was to come.

Third, I think I've been making her passing mean something more than it needs to be. Four vets looked at Mitsuki over the two days she was in the hospital, and no one could figure out what was wrong. Her entire body just shut down so quickly. If there was no reasonable way I could have prevented her illness, then it was just random. I've lost cats to coyotes and other pointless threats, so I made sure to keep Mitsuki as safe and well taken care of as I could. It seems like cruel irony that she died so young. It hurts so much that a random illness hit when I did so much to keep her healthy and happy. It hurts that even though I tried so hard for Mitsuki, I couldn't do anything more to prevent her death.

It makes me question everything about my life. A lot of things in my life are out of my control, so I do my best in other aspects to make up for it. I try really hard, and sometimes I go a bit overboard. In general, I'm a positive person, and I have a hopeful outlook on life. I try to focus on small joys and accomplishments. And I've accomplished a lot this year! ...But now, I really question if hard work, positivity, and hope is enough to pull myself out of this pit. A lot of great things happened this year, but a lot of bad things happened too. I just choose not to focus on those most of the time. Right now, it's hard to remember the nice things and to care about my future. I feel a little lost without hope.

I hope that by the next time I update, I'll be in a better place. Healing and grief is a non-linear journey. Some days are easier and some more difficult. Generally I like to focus on the future and what I can do to make life better. But I think it's okay to just focus on breathing and getting to tomorrow.

It's been 2 months since my last update. It's funny because last time I posted, I was talking about how time passes so quickly and that I had a busy summer ahead of me... Well I was 100% correct LOL. I've been really busy!

Thankfully, the pace is finally winding down. I finished the last class I needed to graduate, so once I finish up my last requirements, I will have earned my BA! I never thought I would get here... but the finish line is in sight! The scary part is thinking about what comes afterward.

It's scary being at a crossroad in life. Many things are out of my control, but a lot of things are. Looking into an uncertain future and making smart choices that will bring safety, stability, and happiness is daunting. ...But time marches forward anyway, right? What other choice is there than to take the next step forward? All I can do is hope that I don't trip!

I hope to both make plans while also embracing the unexpected. I should plan to achieve my goals and dreams while also stopping to enjoy small moments of joy. @__@ It's a super cliche thing to say, but I really wonder how people do it.

Anyway, I hope that your summer is going well. Have you done anything fun?

I can't believe June is already about halfway done! Time really passes by so quickly, especially when you're busy. I just finished up my Spring term, and I'm moving onto my final term before graduation. I'm excited to finish my degree, but DAMN time really passes by! This feeling is exacerbated because my birthday was a few days ago as well... It always seems to sneak up on me, and it hardly feels like a year has passed already. The flow of time is endless and unyielding!!

I always tell myself that I should RELAX over break, but I just can't stop saying yes to things! In general, I think that Shonda Rhimes was right in saying that you should default to yes. Never thoughtlessly shut an open door! Buuuut I always end up agreeing to do a lot of things, and I never seem to slow down even when I mean to. LOL! This isn't a bad problem to have, if it's even a problem at all. But when I have a rare day where I have nothing planned, I don't know what to do with myself. It always brings a feeling of 'What am I forgetting?'

This summer I already have a lot of plans. Maybe I should PLAN to do nothing for a couple weeks. The worry with staying busy all the time is burnout, of course. I would hate to exhaust myself emotionally before moving onto the next part of my life.

Current Stats

Mood: Excited

Listening to: Sisters of Mercy

Reading: Creating a Champion - Zelda Artbook

Watching: Spy x Family

Playing: Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom