Mari Musings

Ham-ha! It’s been awhile since I wrote a blog post, so I decided to write about… why I haven’t written any posts lol.

I actually wrote a long blog post talking about toxic positivity and my aversion to talking about negative feelings… but I don’t think that the ending of the post was very satisfying because I’m not really sure what to do about it.

TL;DR I learned that toxic positivity isn’t just invalidating the feelings of others but it can also extend to invalidating oneself. I notice that I isolate myself when I experience difficult feelings because I don’t want to be a burden, and I don’t want others to see me suffer™. SUCH DRAMATIC WORDING but that’s my reality, I guess. Despite this being a personal blog, I don’t really like sharing super vulnerable thoughts publicly for all to see. I don’t even really like sharing them privately, and even admitting here that I’ve been struggling the past several months seems like a huge overshare. But the last thing I want to be on this blog is inauthentic… so I just chose not to post until now despite really wanting to. My hope in sharing this is that I will feel more comfortable posting even when I'm not feeling well.

—ANYWAY, I’m happy the cold months here are winding to a close. I'm sure this is hilarious for anyone who lives in a place already under the full force of Summer and at the mercy of the sun... or maybe at the mercy of your AC...? Sunshine is supposed to be good for you, but I'm skeptical lol. (JK). I still haven’t had luck finding a job, but I’m feeling hopeful about the last one I interviewed for. Fingers crossed.

I’ve been busy with other projects this year, so my game has been on the backburner until recently. I’ve been doing a lot of planning and storyboarding! I really want to meet my goal of finishing the VN as soon as possible because I have a million game dev ideas.

I’ve been playing some retro games lately, and I find the most inspiration thinking about how I would improve them if I was the game designer. The other day, I wrote about my experience with Princess Debut (2008) in my gamelog. I had given up on casual emulation on iOS, but Delta emulator has defied all of my expectations. I’m still planning on hacking my 3DS soon, though. I find that most DS games are actually better on the original hardware. I think this speaks volumes to how unique the DS is. So many designers made effective use of both the dualscreen and touch screen. It's hard to 'emulate'—literally and figuratively—the experience accurately on other devices like a smart phone.

Anyway, that’s all for today! I have a corkboard full of blog ideas that I’ve wanted to write for awhile but just haven’t due to the anxiety demons tormenting me. Thanks for reading!

Current Status

Mood: Anxious tbh

Listening: Princess Debut OST

Reading: The Last Wish (The Witcher #1) • Andrzej Sapkowski

Happy New Year, lovely reader! It’s still 2023 where I live, but only for a few more hours. I don’t really have any New Year plans. I’m just here at home! My partner and I are going to watch the new Black Clover movie in a little bit and eat delicious, stovetop popcorn. It’s one of my favorite snacks to make and Black Clover is one of the most underrated series I love!

I’ve been crazy busy this month, as many of us are. To be honest, I’m really happy the holidays are drawing to a close. I’ve still had no luck with finding a job. I hope that I will hear back from somewhere in January. Fingers crossed!

I’ve been playing a truly insane amount of Baldurs Gate 3 lately. I’m only in act 2 (after 60 hours), but I’ve played pretty much every waking hour since my partner gave it to me last week. It’s so funny because I also got him BG3 as a Christmas present. It’s been a fun week of parallel play lol.

I don’t think I have anything new or very insightful about the BG3, so I’m not sure I’ll write a full blog post about it. I will say that I am enjoying it much more than Divinity Original Sin 2, Larian’s last major release (to my knowledge). The systems make much more sense to a casual CRPG fan than DOS2, in my opinion. I also much prefer BG3 to Dark Alliance, though I’m aware that BG3 is more similar to Divinity than to its predecessors.

I’ve been RPing as an edgelord character lol. I’m playing as a high elf paladin oathbreaker with the Dark Urge. And of course, the only party member I feel will really accept my character’s propensity for murder is Astarion, so of course I’m romancing him. It’s been a lot of fun! Games like Baldurs Gate 3 only come around every once in a while, and Larian totally earned the GOTY title.

If you’ve picked up any games over the holidays, I would love to know! I recently revamped my blog style, so I hope it’s more pleasing to the eye. ^^ Happy New Year!

Mood: Joyful

Listening to: Omori Soundtrack

Watching: Black Clover: Sword of the Wizard King (2023)

Playing: Baldurs Gate 3 (2023)

Eating: Popcorn

Drinking: Water

We are nearing the end of the year, finally. This year has passed faster than any other. I wonder if it’s because I was busy or just because I’m getting older? I’m not really a fan of Winter or the ‘holiday’ season, but it’s important to me to do things to stay grounded in time. The holidays are hard for me, but I do appreciate seeing all of the beautiful lights in my neighborhood.

I appreciate the period of reflection leading up to New Year’s. I am in the camp of people who like to make changes throughout the year, but I dislike it when people are condescending about it. It’s good to reflect on what you want and how you’ll achieve it. I want a job, as I’ve talked about in previous entries, but I’ve been thinking about what I want beyond that.

I also want to make sure I’m continuing the development of my game. Reflecting on the past year, I have made great progress on it. I completed a demo, and I learned a lot. I think my next step is refining the details of the story and writing the script. I imagine that those two aspects of development will have to be done concurrently for the best results. My goal is to finish the game within the next two years, but I should be thinking about where I want my game to be in development by next December. Maybe I should plan to finish the first draft of the script by then. Scary to think about!! That’s the hardest part. If I’m feeling brave, maybe I’ll join a game jam to practice my skills.

I also want to play more games next year to stay inspired. I read advice from, if I remember correctly, Christina Norman, the lead designer for Mass Effect 1 & 2. It was something along the lines of ‘play lots of games now because when you’re working in the industry, you won’t have enough time to play and learn. So play as much as you can and learn from your experiences.’ Unfortunately, I couldn’t find this quote online and I no longer have the book I read it in, so excuse my paraphrasing! (The book was Game Design Workshop by Tracy Fullerton, if you’re curious).

On that note, I made a backlog inspired by this video. I simplified Daryl’s spreadsheet, but the spirit of it is still there. There are more games I want to play, of course, but I looked in my games library for titles that I’ve always wanted to try (or finish) but never got around to. I will probably add more as I go. I also added games that I’ve been excited about but don’t have yet. We love Steam seasonal sales!

I think it’s achievable to finish all of these games in the next year, but I’m not going to worry too much about the timeline. The important part to me is to make sure I’m living my life mindfully and doing what I love, instead of letting time pass by.

I have other personal hopes for the New Year, but I’ll leave this here. I would love to hear about your holiday plans and New Year's resolutions.

Current Status

Mood: Hopeful

Listening to: Hole

Watching: Spy x Family

Playing: Cult of the Lamb

Happy 11/11! Can you believe Skyrim was released 12 years ago? I remember that day clearly. I was in 7th grade and my little brother used his birthday money to buy it on release. I was in a phase of my life where I pretended not to care about things I thought were interesting. Even still, I would watch my brother play and secretly wanted to pick up the controller when no one was watching. I eventually did play the game years later when I was about 16, and I’ve loved it ever since.

Skyrim was the first game I played in first-person POV, and it made me so dizzy! I had to play in 3rd person mode for the longest time. I got the hang of it eventually! Though I had played open-world games like Bully, Skyrim was my first foray into open-world RPGs. The aspect of Skyrim that drove me to keep playing was building up my house and providing for my wife and adopted children LOL! I loved RPing as a mercenary mom who came home to dote on her wife and kids. The cozier aspects of Skyrim like this remind me a bit of Harvest Moon or even Animal Crossing. I wonder if putting Skyrim into this perspective may entice players who otherwise wouldn’t think to pick it up.

Every so often, I feel the urge to pick Skyrim up again. I always have to tell myself, ‘Mari! That’s the devil talking!’ The devil, in this case, is the ghost of Todd Howard whispering in my ear HAHA!

Skyrim aside, life is going okay. I’m still looking for jobs and am getting a bit nervous. I have another batch to apply for, but if I don’t start hearing back, I may try to look for work in other fields in the meantime. Oh well! I am trying not to take it personally that I’m not hearing back. The job market is fickle these days, and it may not be me or my resume that’s the problem. I just need to keep my chin up and have patience.

I hope everyone is doing well! Is it getting dark earlier for you? It’s dark before dinner time here!

Current Stats

Mood: Hopeful

Listening to: Hole

Watching: Spy x Family

Playing: Cult of the Lamb

There are only a few more days until Halloween! I’m feeling pretty excited about it. As I detailed in my last entry, I have been making an effort to celebrate the spooky season as a way of staying in the moment. I’m happy to report that I have followed through with this and that I am doing much better. Still no luck on the job prospects though, but I won’t give up!

I went to the local pumpkin patch with family and picked out a couple of pumpkins. I really like the look of white pumpkins, and I tend to pick those when going with a group. They stand out among the orange ones and they’re so ghostly. I carved them way too early though! Normally, it wouldn’t be too big of a deal to carve a couple of weeks early. Unfortunately, it’s been hot and damp even in my neck of the woods, so pumpkins grew mold almost immediately! Oh well, now I know better for next year.

While I was preparing to carve, I drew on the pumpkin with a marker and poked holes where I wanted to carve. This effect is striking! I almost wanted to leave it like that for a while—and maybe I should have given how fast it grew mold.

Here is how they came out! I was pleased with myself. Sadly, I did not have candles on hand and didn’t acquire any until they were already rotted.

Here is the pumpkin that my partner carved from a pattern. It’s an owl if you can’t tell! I helped him clean up the shapes. I am not a fan of the feathers though lol.

The seeds made for a delicious snack. I tried making them differently than how my mom made them growing up. I washed them like normal but instead of putting them right on the baking sheet, I covered them in oil and seasoned them in a bowl. I added salt, pepper, cumin, and a little bit of chipotle chili seasoning. They were delicious! I had never tried pumpkin seeds with anything except for salt before this.

Anyway, that’s my little Halloween update! I am going to a party today dressed as Chopper from One Piece. It’s been healing to enjoy the season and participate in spooky fun. I’m feeling much better. Happy early Halloween! 🎃