Mari Musings

We are nearing the end of the year, finally. This year has passed faster than any other. I wonder if it’s because I was busy or just because I’m getting older? I’m not really a fan of Winter or the ‘holiday’ season, but it’s important to me to do things to stay grounded in time. The holidays are hard for me, but I do appreciate seeing all of the beautiful lights in my neighborhood.

I appreciate the period of reflection leading up to New Year’s. I am in the camp of people who like to make changes throughout the year, but I dislike it when people are condescending about it. It’s good to reflect on what you want and how you’ll achieve it. I want a job, as I’ve talked about in previous entries, but I’ve been thinking about what I want beyond that.

I also want to make sure I’m continuing the development of my game. Reflecting on the past year, I have made great progress on it. I completed a demo, and I learned a lot. I think my next step is refining the details of the story and writing the script. I imagine that those two aspects of development will have to be done concurrently for the best results. My goal is to finish the game within the next two years, but I should be thinking about where I want my game to be in development by next December. Maybe I should plan to finish the first draft of the script by then. Scary to think about!! That’s the hardest part. If I’m feeling brave, maybe I’ll join a game jam to practice my skills.

I also want to play more games next year to stay inspired. I read advice from, if I remember correctly, Christina Norman, the lead designer for Mass Effect 1 & 2. It was something along the lines of ‘play lots of games now because when you’re working in the industry, you won’t have enough time to play and learn. So play as much as you can and learn from your experiences.’ Unfortunately, I couldn’t find this quote online and I no longer have the book I read it in, so excuse my paraphrasing! (The book was Game Design Workshop by Tracy Fullerton, if you’re curious).

On that note, I made a backlog inspired by this video. I simplified Daryl’s spreadsheet, but the spirit of it is still there. There are more games I want to play, of course, but I looked in my games library for titles that I’ve always wanted to try (or finish) but never got around to. I will probably add more as I go. I also added games that I’ve been excited about but don’t have yet. We love Steam seasonal sales!

I think it’s achievable to finish all of these games in the next year, but I’m not going to worry too much about the timeline. The important part to me is to make sure I’m living my life mindfully and doing what I love, instead of letting time pass by.

I have other personal hopes for the New Year, but I’ll leave this here. I would love to hear about your holiday plans and New Year's resolutions.

Current Status

Mood: Hopeful

Listening to: Hole

Watching: Spy x Family

Playing: Cult of the Lamb

Happy 11/11! Can you believe Skyrim was released 12 years ago? I remember that day clearly. I was in 7th grade and my little brother used his birthday money to buy it on release. I was in a phase of my life where I pretended not to care about things I thought were interesting. Even still, I would watch my brother play and secretly wanted to pick up the controller when no one was watching. I eventually did play the game years later when I was about 16, and I’ve loved it ever since.

Skyrim was the first game I played in first-person POV, and it made me so dizzy! I had to play in 3rd person mode for the longest time. I got the hang of it eventually! Though I had played open-world games like Bully, Skyrim was my first foray into open-world RPGs. The aspect of Skyrim that drove me to keep playing was building up my house and providing for my wife and adopted children LOL! I loved RPing as a mercenary mom who came home to dote on her wife and kids. The cozier aspects of Skyrim like this remind me a bit of Harvest Moon or even Animal Crossing. I wonder if putting Skyrim into this perspective may entice players who otherwise wouldn’t think to pick it up.

Every so often, I feel the urge to pick Skyrim up again. I always have to tell myself, ‘Mari! That’s the devil talking!’ The devil, in this case, is the ghost of Todd Howard whispering in my ear HAHA!

Skyrim aside, life is going okay. I’m still looking for jobs and am getting a bit nervous. I have another batch to apply for, but if I don’t start hearing back, I may try to look for work in other fields in the meantime. Oh well! I am trying not to take it personally that I’m not hearing back. The job market is fickle these days, and it may not be me or my resume that’s the problem. I just need to keep my chin up and have patience.

I hope everyone is doing well! Is it getting dark earlier for you? It’s dark before dinner time here!

Current Stats

Mood: Hopeful

Listening to: Hole

Watching: Spy x Family

Playing: Cult of the Lamb

There are only a few more days until Halloween! I’m feeling pretty excited about it. As I detailed in my last entry, I have been making an effort to celebrate the spooky season as a way of staying in the moment. I’m happy to report that I have followed through with this and that I am doing much better. Still no luck on the job prospects though, but I won’t give up!

I went to the local pumpkin patch with family and picked out a couple of pumpkins. I really like the look of white pumpkins, and I tend to pick those when going with a group. They stand out among the orange ones and they’re so ghostly. I carved them way too early though! Normally, it wouldn’t be too big of a deal to carve a couple of weeks early. Unfortunately, it’s been hot and damp even in my neck of the woods, so pumpkins grew mold almost immediately! Oh well, now I know better for next year.

While I was preparing to carve, I drew on the pumpkin with a marker and poked holes where I wanted to carve. This effect is striking! I almost wanted to leave it like that for a while—and maybe I should have given how fast it grew mold.

Here is how they came out! I was pleased with myself. Sadly, I did not have candles on hand and didn’t acquire any until they were already rotted.

Here is the pumpkin that my partner carved from a pattern. It’s an owl if you can’t tell! I helped him clean up the shapes. I am not a fan of the feathers though lol.

The seeds made for a delicious snack. I tried making them differently than how my mom made them growing up. I washed them like normal but instead of putting them right on the baking sheet, I covered them in oil and seasoned them in a bowl. I added salt, pepper, cumin, and a little bit of chipotle chili seasoning. They were delicious! I had never tried pumpkin seeds with anything except for salt before this.

Anyway, that’s my little Halloween update! I am going to a party today dressed as Chopper from One Piece. It’s been healing to enjoy the season and participate in spooky fun. I’m feeling much better. Happy early Halloween! 🎃

Oh my god, it is already October. What the freak!! I am happy to report that I am feeling a bit better, but it’s been a rough go of it. Luckily, I have been applying for jobs, which makes me hopeful. I have a skills assessment next week, but the job doesn’t start until next year. I’m hoping to find something that starts earlier, but I’m trying not to worry too much.

The distraction of going to work and being on a regular schedule will help get me out of my head. It will be nice to be around people again too. I’m trying not to worry about things like what if I don’t like the job because I can always find another. There are always options!

Meanwhile, I’m trying to get into the Halloween spirit. It’s been a few years since I’ve really celebrated. Halloween is a big deal for my family because we’re pagan! Like many holidays, Halloween is so commercialized, but I’ve been trying to just embrace it as a celebration of Fall before the Christmas craze starts. Still! It’s nice to sit down and watch a Disney Channel Halloween movie once in a while.

I don’t own any Halloween decorations, so I was thinking about making some this year and maybe getting a few lights to put outside. I’ll share pictures of what I make in my next blog post! There are a ton of kids in my new neighborhood, so there will probably be trick-or-treaters this year. The last few places I’ve lived weren’t popular or safe enough for kids to go out, but this neighborhood is a bit nicer. Since COVID, there are fewer people who hand out candy, and I guess that’s reasonable. But it’s no fun for the kids who actually go out! I’ll definitely make sure we have candy to give out.

Anyway, wish me luck with my job prospects!

Current Stats

Mood: Hopeful

Watching: Alien (1979)

Playing: Tears of the Kingdom (2023)

Content Warning: Non-detailed descriptions of animal death

This entry is more personal than I would generally want to share here, but there's something about old school blogs that was so authentic. Part of the reason why I wanted to start a traditional blog was to regain some of that authenticity that is lost on new social media. I really enjoyed reading about people's real lives and how they navigated life's many pitfalls. I share this hoping that whoever may be reading it gains insight into their own life, as bloggers before me gave me insight into my own. Hello, reader!

I recently graduated college with my BA, and I'm the first person in my entire family to do so. It's a big accomplishment, but because of the circumstances of the last couple of months, I don't feel much about it (yet!). This year I have done many things I'm proud of, but I can't feel much about it right now.

My kitty Mitsuki passed away on September first after a sudden onset of illness. She was only about 3, and I am really struggling with her death. I think part of it is that I'm in a transitional period of my life, and I don't really have any distractions or IRL social connections to relieve the pain of it. Before, I would have work or school, but I don't have either of those things right now. I'm doing my best to take care of myself and distract from the grief when I can, but anyone who has experienced loss knows that there's more to healing than that.

With Mitsuki gone, I think that there are three main aspects of it that I'm struggling with. First, I just miss her. She was really the best cat in the world. Maybe I'll make a in memorium page on this site one day where I can talk as much as I want about what a great cat she was.

Second, I'm struggling with the fact that I couldn't have reasonably seen it coming. I took careful care of her, always monitoring her food, water, and bathroom. I took her on leashed backyard adventures and played with her every day to keep her from getting bored. I always took her to the vet on time and got her the best care that I could, even before she was sick. I spent so much time with her and paid close attention to her. I keep thinking about what I could have done differently, and if I'm honest with myself, there's no way I could have seen what was to come.

Third, I think I've been making her passing mean something more than it needs to be. Four vets looked at Mitsuki over the two days she was in the hospital, and no one could figure out what was wrong. Her entire body just shut down so quickly. If there was no reasonable way I could have prevented her illness, then it was just random. I've lost cats to coyotes and other pointless threats, so I made sure to keep Mitsuki as safe and well taken care of as I could. It seems like cruel irony that she died so young. It hurts so much that a random illness hit when I did so much to keep her healthy and happy. It hurts that even though I tried so hard for Mitsuki, I couldn't do anything more to prevent her death.

It makes me question everything about my life. A lot of things in my life are out of my control, so I do my best in other aspects to make up for it. I try really hard, and sometimes I go a bit overboard. In general, I'm a positive person, and I have a hopeful outlook on life. I try to focus on small joys and accomplishments. And I've accomplished a lot this year! ...But now, I really question if hard work, positivity, and hope is enough to pull myself out of this pit. A lot of great things happened this year, but a lot of bad things happened too. I just choose not to focus on those most of the time. Right now, it's hard to remember the nice things and to care about my future. I feel a little lost without hope.

I hope that by the next time I update, I'll be in a better place. Healing and grief is a non-linear journey. Some days are easier and some more difficult. Generally I like to focus on the future and what I can do to make life better. But I think it's okay to just focus on breathing and getting to tomorrow.