Mari Musings

As a webmistress that dedicates so much of my site to gaming, it's only apt that I use Doom as a metaphor for how my life is falling apart at the seams. Which is, of course, dramatic, but I've been gone for a long time fighting demons — guts, and all. That's about as theatrical as it gets. The voyeurs of my life want blood, dammit!

This last year I've grown up a lot, but I'm tired. I've been struggling a lot for a long time now, and it feels like every time I overcome one obstacle, there's a bigger, meaner one lurking just around the corner. How many demons can one Doom Guy fight before being swallowed up whole?! I seriously feel like the next thing that goes wrong in my life will eat me for dinner.

I am in a mammoth size suffering to coping cycle. I'm doing my best to be skillful and mature. I try to find peace in small moments like singing while I cook dinner or feeling the evening sun on my skin. I take the time to be grateful for what's going well in my life — I have my own place to live, I have a good job, and I don't worry about when my next meal will be. These are all worries that used to haunt me, but now, I am in a place where I no longer have to worry. If I don't stop to appreciate the small things and my other victories in life, I will succumb to the stress and the pain. We can't have that! There are people who rely on me.

I've written about how toxic positivity is an issue for me in the past, and it continues to be both my sword and shield. I focus on the sun above me to keep my head above the water. But too much sunshine will blind me. Sometimes it's challenging to accept how hard things are. I like to be strong and deal with my struggles alone, though I know logically that's an ineffective way of going about it.

I try to manifest Doom Guy slaying swaths of demons on her own because, really, that's who I'd like to be. Wish me strength!